So, I live on the Mountain now

I moved on Saturday. I had been basically living by myself since I moved to Hamilton a year and a half ago… that was bad for me so in December I asked a friend with a spare room if I could move in with her. It’s been interesting so far. The house is on the mountain which means I spend more time in my car than I used to but it’s nice to live with other people again. I am hoping that these next three months before I move back down into the neighbourhood around the church can act as a time of respite care. My soul is tired and thirsty and in need of love. I must rest and I am hoping that being surrounded by people will help me do that. I think that likely sounds counter-intuitive but I think it is what I need.

This morning was my staff assessment at the church. We talked at length about how I’m feeling about the past year. I do feel like I’m turning a corner and things are getting better but it will be a long road until I feel completely good about things again. That is a feeling that is especially prevalent at the church. I am frustrated with having some many questions and so few answers. A friend told me the other day that it’s okay to not have all the answers for everything. I told him I agreed but it would be nice to have an answer for something. I think that is possibly a large part of my frustration. I feel incompetent - but no one is really competent to be in ministry so some of those feelings are valid - and I still function mainly in a place of ‘I don’t know’. I think I used that phrase about 65 times this morning (no exaggeration). Perhaps I need to take some time to ‘know’, to figure things out, to think things through. This morning I said I felt like I needed to take a week off and get away in order to actually process whatever is going on. It needs to be a week because I know I can distract myself for 2-3 days with ’surface stuff’ that I already know about myself and is really not that completely uncomfortable. It will take a while to actually bring up the stuff I’ve buried and hidden… and I’m not sure I want to look at it, to be honest. So, I may do that… I don’t know how or when or where or what that would look like but I think it might be necessary.