A Psalm of Lament

A couple of weeks ago in a Bible study we were given the task of writing a psalm of lament or a psalm of hope for the inner-city. I’ve been meaning to post it for awhile now so here it is…

Holy God, I look around me with anger.
I am disgusted by the violence, by the hate that pushes this neighbourhood forward.
I witness the patterns of sin that are being passed on from generation to generation and I call out to You to come and judge this place:

To judge the women who encourage their children to fight;
To judge the men who sell drugs to the broken;
To judge the teenagers who threaten violence on their neighbours;
All of it supports hate. I feel sick just looking at it.

I search for light but can find none, so I call out again for You to come and destroy it.
How long will you show mercy to these people?
How long will you allow children to grow up in this environment?
I cannot be a part of it.
I must look away.

So, I live on the Mountain now

I moved on Saturday. I had been basically living by myself since I moved to Hamilton a year and a half ago… that was bad for me so in December I asked a friend with a spare room if I could move in with her. It’s been interesting so far. The house is on the mountain which means I spend more time in my car than I used to but it’s nice to live with other people again. I am hoping that these next three months before I move back down into the neighbourhood around the church can act as a time of respite care. My soul is tired and thirsty and in need of love. I must rest and I am hoping that being surrounded by people will help me do that. I think that likely sounds counter-intuitive but I think it is what I need.

This morning was my staff assessment at the church. We talked at length about how I’m feeling about the past year. I do feel like I’m turning a corner and things are getting better but it will be a long road until I feel completely good about things again. That is a feeling that is especially prevalent at the church. I am frustrated with having some many questions and so few answers. A friend told me the other day that it’s okay to not have all the answers for everything. I told him I agreed but it would be nice to have an answer for something. I think that is possibly a large part of my frustration. I feel incompetent – but no one is really competent to be in ministry so some of those feelings are valid – and I still function mainly in a place of ‘I don’t know’. I think I used that phrase about 65 times this morning (no exaggeration). Perhaps I need to take some time to ‘know’, to figure things out, to think things through. This morning I said I felt like I needed to take a week off and get away in order to actually process whatever is going on. It needs to be a week because I know I can distract myself for 2-3 days with ’surface stuff’ that I already know about myself and is really not that completely uncomfortable. It will take a while to actually bring up the stuff I’ve buried and hidden… and I’m not sure I want to look at it, to be honest. So, I may do that… I don’t know how or when or where or what that would look like but I think it might be necessary.

All is Not Alright

This is a ‘vision’ that I had this morning while I was trying to sort out my life… I have been plagued lately by a feeling that I am not okay.  In trying to reflect on this I got this series of pictures in my head. 

I’m walking through a desert.  I am fairly confident that when I started out on this journey I was following Jesus.  I don’t think I would’ve ventured into this territory without Him.  He was close enough that I could cling to His cloak or at least keep Him in view. Somewhere along the way, however, He got farther and farther away, until now He is nowhere to be found. At first I wasn’t too concerned for I still had His footsteps to follow in. Then the wind began. Slowly but surely the desert winds blew the sand over His steps. Now I am alone and lost in a desert, attempting to follow a path I can’t even see. I think I’m going the right way but it’s difficult to know for everything looks the same when it is covered in sand.

Every so often a mirage appears to my left or my right, tempting me off of what I believe to be the right path. Each time I must make the choice as to whether I should step off of my course and explore this mirage. Interestingly enough, sometimes when I depart from my course I become just as convinced that I am now following the right path.  Once I’ve stepped off the path, regardless of how I feel, there is no way for me to find my way back to the original one, so I am forced to just keep walking.

Finally I stop for a second and take a look around. I have no idea where I am. I wonder what I should do. Part of me is eager to keep going, believing that this path is the right one and that Jesus is just ahead, out of view. The other part of me simply wants to give up. To sit down where I am and let the desert heat suffocate me while I try and pretend that none of this is real. Where is Jesus in this?

All of a sudden, a waterfall appears in the distance. Another mirage, no doubt, and nowhere even close to where this current path is taking me. Yet my soul feels drawn to that waterfall. My heart wants to run towards it with complete abandonment and stand under its tidal wave of refreshing water, splashing in the pools gathered at its base. I want to swim in that water, to immerse myself in its coolness, to drink it in until I feel strong again. I have a decision to make. Do I continue to follow this path away from the oasis? Do I simply give up, sitting down in the sand to watch the water from afar? Or do I risk it all, using the last bit of strength I have to run toward the waterfall? Is it possible that Jesus is waiting for me there? Is it possible that He’s been there all the time?

We Aren’t in Kansas Anymore

I have many things to share since my last post… I am currently contemplating the best way to organize all my thoughts into one coherent piece. Hmmm… subheadings… yes, like a CHYS 2F10 paper I will organize my post into subheadings.

My Weekend

This weekend was our annual junior high youth retreat at Muskoka Woods Sports Resort. We took 10 kids up from the neighbourhood and had a great time. In fact, you could even say it was a BLAST! (So, corny joke that no one will get unless you’re familiar with the retreat… but everyone is on one of four teams, we were on Blast and we won!).

Our kids are really interesting. It’s fun to spend time with them playing and hanging out and realizing just how cool they really are. We got to play in the snow and jump up and down a lot to really loud worship music. Each time the band would come up the kids would all rush toward the front to form some crazy mosh pit. I had a lot of fun dancing like an idiot.

How I Spent My Monday Morning

I spent this morning at the dentist. It was a strange experience. I hadn’t been to the dentist in awhile and I’ve only ever been to one dentist my entire life. It took a lot longer than I thought it would and was a lot more expensive than I thought it would be. They did all sorts of crazy poking and prodding that I’ve never had done before and spoke in some sort of code language that made little sense to me. The dentist did tell me that I had ‘beautiful teeth’ though, so I think that’s a good thing.

An Interesting Experience I Had Last Night

As I was unpacking last night I put my bag of trail mix on my dresser. I never really thought about moving it downstairs and so it got left there overnight. I woke up at about 3:30 in the morning to strange noises. I turned on the light and looked over at my dresser to see two tiny mice carrying away parts of my trail mix. I threw out the bag this morning.

Today’s Shopping Experience

I went to the mall today. I needed new jeans and had a birthday coupon from Ricki’s. I hate going to the mall but while I was there I decided I would buy a present for the soon to be born Enns baby. I went into Please Mum and bought a really cute little outfit for her. Everything was so freaking cute it was really hard to make up my mind. I walked out of there almost wanting to have babies, simply so I could outfit them. I think that is a bad plan… I would likely go broke… and it’s probably not such a good idea to bring babies into the world for the sheer purpose of decorating them.

The Dream I Had Last Thursday Night

This subheading is mainly for Timmy’s enjoyment. Last Thursday I had a dream that involved guns, Steve Dykstra, a couple of characters from The Office and possibly the end of the world. I was in this house that had windows everywhere and there was a crazy man (possibly men) trying to shoot at all the people inside (which was a lot of random people from my life). Dwight, from the Office, was trying to track down these men  in true Dwight fashion but no one could ever see where they were. Steve was adamant that he should be allowed to assist Dwight in this endeavour. I thought this unwise.
Interestingly enough, what was possibly more disturbing to me was the fact that Pam, from the Office, was also there but was totally flirting with someone that was not Jim. After we left the house (I’m not entirely sure how we got out) I met up with Timmy at this random book store type place where I was trying to buy someone a birthday card and I was trying to explain to him this whole story about Pam and this random guy. He shared my sadness… but in the end Jim appeared and everything was fine again between him and Pam. It is pretty sad that I am this connected to random television characters.

An Angry Response to Violence

There is something about violence that just gets to me. Over the last week there has been escalating violence in our neighbourhood, specifically between two of the families we are involved with. Sunday was when everything came to a head, with two of the kids in the families getting into a fist fight outside Tim Horton’s. I wasn’t around… in fact, I didn’t even hear about it until Monday afternoon but when I did hear about it I felt sick. It didn’t take me long to transition from feeling sick to feeling angry. I was angry at the families that were modeling and encouraging that violence is an acceptable problem solving technique. I was angry at other people who were now taking sides and threatening to continue the fight, even though they had nothing to do with the original conflict. I was angry at the neighbourhood simply for reinforcing this culture of violence.

I went into our staff meeting this morning still angry and we talked at length about what happened. I think this was the first time since I moved here that I remember thinking that maybe these families shouldn’t be parents. Maybe their kids should be taken away and given to ‘better parents’ who don’t use fighting as a way to solve their problems. It was pretty nasty… I had very little difficulty labeling these feelings as hate. At the end of our meeting I was reflecting a bit and I realized that it is actually easier for me to feel angry than it is for me to feel sad. See, when I’m angry I can easily sit in judgment of others. Anger often comes along with pride, or at the very least a feeling of blame, that actually allows me to distance myself from the situation. When I feel sad there is a compassion and a concern that binds me to whatever is happening, but anger places a wedge between me and the other people in the situation. And sometimes I even like that wedge. Sometimes it is easier to be angry and to hate, than it is to pursue reconciliation and figure out what it looks like to love someone well.

I believe that 2008 will be a year of learning what it means to love people well. The last 15 days have been full of surprises, frustrations and challenges that have brought me to my knees and completely taken away my ability to speak. I sit in God’s presence and cannot even form a sentence. Eventually it becomes easier to react in anger… it hurts less and means that I can at least feel like I’m better than the other people. As I reflect more, however, I realize that I’m not really all that different than those ‘other people’. When I distance myself from others through anger it allows hate to grow until I come to a point where I don’t even remember why I’m angry anymore. All I know now is that I don’t like this person… and I definitely have NO interest in figuring out how to love them well. It is only the grace and power of Jesus that offers me another option. He is the one who teaches me compassion. To be honest, I’m not sure if it’s a lesson I’m completely ready to learn yet. As I said, it’s a lot easier to stay in my anger. I am praying, however, that His Spirit would make me willing and that I would be sustained through this year of learning to love.

January Newsletter

Here is the latest copy of my newsletter. Feel free to check out the stories of what’s been happening in Hamilton over the last four months.

title=”january-2008-newsle.pdf”>january-2008-newsle.pdf

Happy Birthday to ME!

My birthday is today and I thought I should take some time to reflect on how wonderful my birthday weekend has been. Below is a list of things that have made it great… (in chronological order)

1. birthday coffee cake
2. cleaning with Steve and Timmy
3. sharing Thai food with good friends
4. getting to use chopsticks
5. peanut butter cups
6. ice cream cake
7. Christine sleeping in my bed
8. the amazing card and keychain I got from one of the kids at church today
9. sharing lunch (complete with someone else’s birthday cake) with friends after church
10. my sister’s birthday phone message

Yes sir, it has been a great birthday. Hopefully I will have a chance this week to post some thoughts on what 2008 has already brought and what I am anticipating in the upcoming year. Alison assures me that 26 is a great year… I’m looking forward to it.

This is just too offensive to even be amusing

Check this out!

Who uses the word ‘perish’ while joking and what exactly should I think of when I ‘picture a drug dealer’? Wow! That is all I have to say about that.

Good-bye to Winter?

I had forgotten how much I loved spring. I remembered today as I walked from the church to the school how much I look to spring to renew life in me. As much as I love snow there is something about spring that feels like it brings not only joy but freedom to my very being. It’s like all the darkness and oppression of the colder temperatures melts away with the snow and I want to celebrate by wearing skirts and playing outside. The problem, of course, is that it is the 8th of January and we are still in for some mighty cold weather before spring actually comes to stay. I’m still predicting snow by Sunday… I’m not sure I can remember the last time I didn’t have snow for my birthday.

So, I figured I was due for a blog update. Life is still going well. I am still working on the renewed energy I found by taking five days off over Christmas vacation. That renewed energy is probably a good thing since it has been a busy two weeks in my life. Last weekend I spent some good time with friends and I’m looking forward to celebrating my birthday with even more friends this weekend.

I know we are only one week in to 2008 but I really feel like it will be a year of learning to love people well… at least I hope I eventually learn. It’s something I’ve been praying about lately. Likely these plans to live in community have something to do with it. I don’t think I ever realized how hard it is to actually love people but it’s been really interesting to let God show me what that might look like in the various relationships in my life. It’s left me feeling this huge need to pray. I was sharing at staff meeting today that it’s not simply a warm and fuzzy desire to pray but a ‘take you out at the knees’ need to pray. Everything I see seems so vulnerable or fragile, like it’s calling out for me to intercede on its behalf. So, God and I have been having some good conversations. I’m trying to listen well to Him. I’m learning a lot about listening, in general. We are so quick to speak in our society, when I think more often than not we could do more good by just listening and taking it all in. So that’s what I’m trying to learn to do. It’s not easy… but I’ve been reminded a lot lately that following Jesus is never easy… how quickly I like to forget that.

For the completely, unrelated note – my birthday is on Sunday… I will be 26! It’s interesting to me that I still do not feel like an adult. I am greatly looking forward to my birthday though… we are having thai food and ice cream cake (two very good things) and lots of my friends will be in one place which always makes me happy.

My Yesterday

Yesterday was one of those really good days… or at least most of it was. I made a new friend… he was seven. See, I was supposed to help this family in our community move. They have a seven year old boy but he’s pretty independent and the plan was for him to play and keep himself busy throughout the day. Then the mom’s godson showed up. He came to visit so his mommy could have a break… there was definitely some sort of diagnosis he had (or should have had) but I’m not entirely sure what it was. He was adorably polite but in a way that demonstrates that he has had to have formal social skill lessons. He was fairly affectionate and kept calling me ‘friend’ because that’s what I call everyone. He was also, however, relatively short-tempered and frequently violent. It became apparent very quickly that if the two boys were left alone to ‘entertain themselves’ one of them would die… so I got to play baby-sitter. I loved it! First of all, I love playing with kids on any day but I had forgotten how much I love hanging out with ‘bad’ kids. I use the word bad for lack of a better word to identify the kids that nobody else likes. The ones that are unpredictable and just a tad bit different. I think that might be the part of camp I miss the most… and possibly part of a larger calling on my life.

I was praying about all of it a little this morning… reflecting about how life-giving the experience of hanging out with him was. I was exhausted when I left but it was that good exhaustion that would do it all again the very next day. I am trying to commit this year to praying through this vision that I have of opening a house for kids in crisis. Honestly, I don’t really know anything about how that would work or what it would look like but it’s on my heart. It’s easy to just let life happen but I really think I need to be more intentional about a lot of things in my life or I’m going to end up looking back 10 years from now and possibly regretting things that didn’t happen.

On a completely unrelated note… I spent new year’s eve with some really good friends. I drank an entire glass of wine as part of a game… I really hate wine… but I didn’t dump any of it down the sink or take any of the offers from people who said they’d drink it for me. I still have the taste in my mouth (is that even possible?). Ick! It was good times though.