The ‘Total Market Experience’

I love going to the market. There is something about being surrounded by fruits, vegetables, dead fish and lots of people that just puts a smile on my face. I had forgotten, however, one part of the market experience that makes me uncomfortable. Each time I go to the market I park across the street in the parking garage… as I leave it there is always at least one man asking for money. Today’s had an overwhelming look of sadness and desperation on his face… he spoke with a voice that was barely audible, refusing to make eye contact as he picked up other people’s cigarette butts to smoke. It always tears me apart. Part of me wants to sit down beside him and just start talking… to find out why he’s there and what his story is… to get a better idea of what his life is like… but the fear pushes me past him. As I leave the market I almost stop to ask him if he wants an apple but all I can manage is a weak smile as I attempt to hold eye contact with him (something that is uncomfortable for both of us). I don’t generally give money to people on the street unless I feel like my safety is in jeopardy but today I started wondering if it really mattered if I was simply fueling a further drug addiction or some other dependency… he just looked so depressed… so lifeless… what does good news look like for him?

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the fact that the gospel IS good news. Too often we make it into something that is ugly and difficult (okay, it is difficult… but… bah, I need a larger vocabulary)… we take this thing that is supposed to bring hope and freedom and value and destroy it by putting it into some socially and culturally appropriate box and tying it with ribbons and bows. Part of it is that we don’t see our own way of life as oppressive… we don’t see how we are slaves to consumerism and lust and greed… but that’s another post.

So I come home tonight and start reading this book that Timmy lent me. About three (incredibly short) chapters in, the author reflects on his treatment of ‘the least of these’… you know… the ones that the world says don’t matter all that much but that God has called ‘great in the Kingdom of heaven’… and I realized that I don’t actually believe it because if I did… if I actually saw these people as Jesus did… my actions would look a lot different. I don’t even know what else to say… I want things to be different… Jesus, make things different… make me different…

Some Reflections on Advent

It has been a couple of years (okay, more like 6) since I have actively marked and celebrated the advent season. The church I went to during university didn’t really mention anything about advent and even last year our church talked a lot more about Christmas than advent. This year I decided I wanted to do an advent wreath with the kids at church. A woman in our congregation made a beautiful wreath and I purchased colour appropriate candles (and very long matches) for the wreath. Each week we reminded the kids that we were in the season of advent and that advent is a season of waiting. Each week we talked about what the candle meant and how that was related to Jesus coming… then we lit the candles (clearly, the children’s favourite part). Sounds pretty simple but I have to tell you… somewhere in the middle of it all I started really celebrating advent.

Something in the message that Jesus has come and will come again to set all things right has created music in the very soul of my being. It was as if the words I was using to teach the kids were also ministering to my broken and tired soul. Remembering that Jesus was declared a king before he was even born, and yet he was born in a stable and his birth was announced to shepherds. The truth that not only does God love all people but He values all people… and possibly even has a special plan for those the world sees as weak and unimportant. There is something so subtly ‘in your face’ (if that’s even possible) about the Christmas story… and it’s something that I think I had lost sight of. One of the best things about working with kids who have so little exposure to the Bible is getting to watch their eyes and share their excitement as they hear the stories… and often they allow me to hear the stories with fresh ears as well.

Looking back

The snow has captured me inside today so I have been spending the day doing all sorts of things that I really enjoy. We decided to cancel church last night so I slept in this morning. I spent some time with Jesus. I started reading A Tale of Two Cities. I knitted. I made Sweet Marie Bars. I re-read old blog posts of mine. They made me laugh.

I am enjoying watching the snow… it just keeps coming. I realized last night, however, that we have lost our snow shovel so I can’t clear the sidewalk. This has not been a problem yet this year because our neighbour has cleared our sidewalk after both snowfalls.

I have had a really good weekend. Sanda and I had tea (her) and vanilla steamers (me) on Friday night at Main Desserts. I love that girl dearly. I had breakfast on Saturday with Danielle. We chatted more about community… I am excited to live with her. I did a bit of Christmas shopping. I am still not finished… and I’m running out of time. I made chicken fajitas and played Scrabble with Timmy last night. He beat me… no surprise there.

I am really looking forward to this week. It’s going to be busy… I have a couple of Christmas parties and there is a bunch of stuff going on at the school that I want to take in. We were supposed to be having a family gingerbread house event today but we’re postponing it to next Saturday due to this ridiculous snow. I’m heading to Sarnia for Christmas on Monday… I am really looking forward to being home for a couple of days and just letting people love me. I cannot believe how exhausted and empty I feel… hopefully it is nothing that a home-cooked meal and some good family ‘lovin’ can’t fix.

Alright, there is really no purpose to this post… so I’m going back to my book.

A Call to Prayer

My life has not been cupcakes and roses as of late. This new relationship and the ongoing discussions around community have uncovered huge parts of me that I’m pretty sure I didn’t even know existed. It’s so scary how we can think that we know ourselves so well.

For the most part, I do not like the new parts of me that have been uncovered. I want them to go away… but I’m not sure I’m willing to do what it needs to take to make that happen. It would be a lot easier to remove myself from all society and never get out of bed… but that’s not going to happen.

Anyway, one of the conversations I’ve been having with myself lately is about the difference between appreciation and love. Finally, I think I’ve had a breakthrough in how I differentiate between them. Appreciation is about what you do… love is about who you are. There are a lot of people in my life that appreciate me but I really don’t feel like there are many people in my life that love me. Now, before I get hundreds of emails from people telling me that they love me… I know that there are people who love me… I just don’t feel like there are… it’s one of those great times when my feelings and reality don’t line up. I think part of it is that in Hamilton there are still very few people who know me well enough to love me.

This morning I had a new thought… and one that is possibly more concerning. I’m pretty comfortable with being appreciated. When I do something for someone and they thank me or show appreciation in some way I can generally take that and feel good about it. I’m not so sure that I’m that comfortable with love. See, I think love has to be undeserved, unearned… there is always an element of grace in it… and that terrifies me.

When did following Jesus become this hard? Is this what it looks like to ‘take up my cross’? Is there good in this? I’d love to know that people are praying for me as I allow myself to be loved by God (and hopefully others) towards wholeness. I’ll keep you posted.

Check this out

I can’t decide if I’m amazed or disgusted.