Continuation of Earlier Thoughts

Sorry for the abrupt end to my stream of consciousness yesterday. I was interrupted by the beginning of our team meeting. It seems that everyone around me is sharing feelings of exhaustion and confusion. Anyway… here are the rest of my thoughts about what’s happening.

For a long time I’ve had these pictures whenever life is stressful. It’s a picture of me, in a body of water in the middle of a raging storm. The water is churning, the sky is dark, it’s raining heavily. I’m staying alive by clinging onto this lone tree that must have strong roots that run deep. I know that if I let go of the tree I will be sucked away into the storm and likely drown. Until now it’s never been a problem to hang on. Lately, however, I feel that letting go would be easier. I’m exhausted from trying to hold on and maybe being swept away into the storm would be better than this. I realized that I wanted to let go… and this scared me.

Now I had always assumed that the tree represented God… and maybe it did at a time… but as I was reflecting on Wednesday morning I realized that there was another possibility. Could it be that this tree actually represents myself? That I am trying with all my might to hold onto the last part of my own strength, believing that I can do it on my own. Is it possible that God is actually telling me to let go? This seems ridiculous since it is clear that letting go means drowning. There is nothing around me to suggest otherwise. As I’ve continually reflected on the image over the last couple of days I have become more convinced that the tree does in fact represent my own strength and that the only thing left to do is for me to give up my fight and surrender to the storm. I have to trust that when I do this another way becomes possible. I have to believe that it is once I let go that Jesus is able to show up. Whether he calms the storm or gives me the ability to walk on water I cannot say, for I am still figuring out how to let go.

It’s been awhile

I do not understand how some people can be so faithful to their blogs. Whether it’s lack of time or not having anything to say, my blog suffers from neglect more often than not. There have been some exciting things going on lately. Our junior high event on Monday involved a trip from the local fire department who were less than thrilled that our fog machine had set off the fire alarm system. The girls are excited about our denominational retreat in January (I know, they’re starting early) and I’ve actually gotten to spend some decent quality time with a couple of kids in the last two weeks.

All of that aside, there is a definite feeling of overwhelming darkness and exhaustion to life right now. The church has been broken into, we have way more people needing help than we know what to do with, our financial situation is bad and our pastoral team has shrunk by two members since July… and the blows just keep on coming. Tuesday at staff meeting someone asked if we were in a valley and how we got there to which I suggested that if we were in a valley than it felt like we had gotten there by falling of a cliff. It’s a good image really… I feel kind of like I fell of a cliff (or was pushed as some suggested) in that I am hurting and disoriented. It feels as if I have been unconscious for a time and am just now waking up and taking in my surroundings. There is no way to know where we are or where to go from here. We are just at the bottom of a sheer face of rock in some unknown, unfamiliar place where we feel alone. The beautiful thing is, of course, that we are not alone. God does not leave us and remain on the mountain. He is present with us in the valley… perhaps more present there then He is on the mountain… or perhaps it is just that we see Him more because we are forced to look for Him.

I don’t remember a time in my life where I have felt this desperate for God. I have come to the end of myself… and then some. I have never been so aware of my own weakness, my own powerlessness. There are moments where I physically hurt because of it. In the last week, I have been completely speechless at God’s power… there have been moments where I have been breathless in the face of the Spirit. It is probably a good place to be, and yet it is completely uncomfortable. I will try to post more later about other feelings I’ve been having.

What if?

I just got home from this class I’ve been taking at a church downtown. The class runs every Tuesday for the month of October and is based on the book God in the Alley by Greg Paul. He is the director of Sanctuary Ministries in Toronto. I read the book last summer in preparation of my move to Hamilton. I have read it a couple of times since then as it is really well done and a quick read… just full of stories about various people he has worked with throughout his years in ministry. Much of his writing has greatly impacted how I reflect on and process my own spiritual encounters.

The class has been awesome. Tonight, somehow, we got onto the concept of power and authority. We were talking about the power we have as (relatively) middle-class people involved in ministry and how it is necessary to identify this power so that it doesn’t get in the way of our ministry. Kind of the idea that I can’t minister to someone from above… I can only walk alongside. Now I’m not sure how we rid ourselves of that power. Part of it comes from being willing to live with the people we are ministering to but just the fact that one group is defined as ‘the people being ministered to’ demonstrates that the power still exists. Now, I am completely on board with the conversation we were having and I agree with their points but as I sit here something more concerning is troubling me…

What if ‘the people you are ministering to’ want you to have power? What if they want you to swoop in and solve all their problems or have all the answers? What if they have been told for so long that they can’t parent or that they are stupid that they actually believe they need other people to act for them? What if ‘the system’ has so stripped them of their power that they don’t know how to act within an alternative ’system’?

I had a disturbing encounter at work today… I had a run in with a single mom who used me as a sounding board for all that is wrong with the world. As we spoke it became very clear that I was the one that was supposed to be solving these problems. I was the one who was supposed to save the world… and if the world was still broken it must mean I am not doing my job. To be fair the woman was deeply stressed and just sounding off about life in general. She wasn’t actually angry at me (at least I don’t think) and I am really trying not to take it personally. It’s discouraging though to see the depths of the brokenness that exists in our own neighbourhood, specifcally the brokenness that has been caused by social structures. Possibly more concerning is that I adamantly refuse to allow it to connect with my own brokenness. Each day I find myself in deeper agreement with the prayer of ‘Thy Kingdom come’ and each day I yearn more for the physical return of Christ who can (and will) set all things right. This is not the end.

Coming ‘Home’

Another thanksgiving has come and gone… another trip to see my parents and my family. I was a little concerned about how things would go but we actually had a really good weekend… even a really good family thanksgiving. We went to the fair… my dad found $30 (which he gave to me)… and watched a lot of television.

It’s always strange returning to where I grew up… such a part of me and yet I have changed so much that it doesn’t always seem as familiar as it maybe should. It’s weird living in two different worlds. In many ways I am tied to my parents’ home, and my parents in general… but in others I have created a home for myself here. For this reason it is strange going home… it makes me feel young, immature and undeveloped. Something happens when I walk through my parents’ door… I lose my ability to be independent, to make my own choices, to fight my own battles. I return to ways that I have interacted with my family for decades… some that are not that pretty. This weekend was the first time that I saw Jesus changing that. There was still the pull to fall back into old interactions but I actually feel like I treated my parents differently than I did in the past. Perhaps I am growing up after all.

The next challenge in returning home is one I bear on my own. There is something unsettling for me in stepping into a different world. In Hamilton I spend most of my time in the inner-city with people who are openly broken, poor and confused. I am surrounded by people who are dedicated to uncovering the Kingdom of God in this place. My parents live in suburbia. The houses in their subdivision all look the same and everyone is concerned about how much they’re making and what will happen to them when they retire. While there may be nothing wrong with either world it does become harder for me to step back and forth between worlds. After spending a weekend in my parents’ world I start to wonder if maybe I should chase those things too. I know, of course, that God is calling me elsewhere but sometimes the pull is SO confusing. I’m in a pretty confused place as it is right now. I’m having trouble hearing God’s voice and discerning what is next for us. I am trying to figure out what I stand for, and what I want to be about… but I’m getting nowhere. I’m sucking at being disciplined in listening to Jesus, which is probably why I can’t hear him.

All that said, we’ll see what happens throughout this week. I am excited to spend some time tomorrow just hanging out with Jesus… listening for His voice… and reflecting on His sacrifice.