Do you ever feel like life is moving much too quickly? Lately I’ve been feeling like life is moving so quickly it’s hard to even grasp at the various emotions, experiences and thoughts I’m having. This morning during staff meeting I realized that while I felt good (I had lots of energy, was generally happy, was actually able to drag myself out of bed to spend time reading my Bible) there was a lot going on in my brain that I hadn’t really given enough power to. My brain feels like it’s been on overdrive lately. All these thoughts around community, justice, identity and what it actually means to follow Christ. I’ve been reading Philippians and it’s pretty amazing… but I get way more out of it when I can talk about it with other people. I miss IV manuscript studies.
I realized this weekend that while I am making friends here and definitely beginning to have an active social life, I still don’t have people that I can really confide in. Dan is awesome and I bounce things off of him a lot but I’m also still trying to find a healthy balance in that relationship so that I don’t nurture an unhealthy amount of intimacy. Then I haven’t met with Alison for awhile… but we’re meeting on Thursday which I’m pretty excited about. I am just all over the place in terms of where my community is and what that even looks like. I am ridiculously jealous of Timmy, Steve, Adam and Keith who have just moved into an intense ‘army (or boot camp if army makes you uncomfortable) for Jesus’ community house just outside of our neighbourhood.
Sunday evening I went to Church in the Box at Redeemer. It was a really good time of being able to praise God without having any sort of responsibility attached to it. There were no children to distract me and it was glorious. The speaker had a good message… He related his talk to a passage from Philippians and I wish he had addressed some of the issues in the text better but his message was good. Afterwards I had a really interesting conversation with Jason that led me to think about a lot of things in my life… he made the comment that things that are easy are normally not what God wants from us… I’m not even sure if I can articulate why that struck me but it is still haunting me… it may be because I’m trying to figure out what comes next in this crazy journey of mine and realizing that I’m getting somewhat passive in life.
I also realized this morning that I’m feeling really discouraged about work. I’m not sure I think that I’m actually making any sort of difference or that I’m actually connected with anyone’s life. It’s stupid and insecure but I see how the girls connect with the summer students and how they get so excited when they come back to visit and I get discouraged. What am I really doing here?
All that to say… Tracy’s head is messed up. On top of that, however, I seem to be taking on more tasks at church that aren’t necessarily related to children or families. I knew that would happen this year… I guess now I’m just trying to figure out what it means. Jesus, just hit me over the head with it already. Alright, time to read… and attempt to figure out this crazy life.
