The Unfairness of Life as a Single Person

Okay, so last night I cooked dinner for Dan and Sanda… it was super yummy… and I had lots of fun filling the canneloni shells with cheese mixture! Now, I love to cook but the kitchen at my current house is less than ideal. I only have 2 plates that are actually semi-large enough to be considered dinner plates. There is very little storage space and I’m working with almost no kitchen appliances or tools. As I have been cooking over the last couple of days these things have really started to bother me so much that I actually am harbouring a desire to get married just so I can get kitchen stuff! I mean why should married people get all the good stuff? Seriously though, it’s interesting to look at the custom of giving people ‘house’ stuff at their wedding… clearly a tradition from when people moved from their parents’ house right into their married life. So, last I checked, society wasn’t really like that anymore so perhaps we should come up with a new system!

I had a really bizarre dream last night. Now, normally my dreams are strange but this one was exceptional for the fact that all sorts of people from different parts of my life came together and that rarely happens in my dreams. So, I think the premise of the dream was that I was in a car accident or bus accident or something and I got stranded somewhere. I didn’t know where I was but there were people with me (inside a desk it looked like but I suppose it could’ve been a trunk or chest of some sort). So I’m walking all over the place with this desk/trunk/chest and find a beach where I figure I can walk along it until I get somewhere. Except as I start to walk across the beach I realize that I can’t because it’s all people’s property and so I end up in this one family’s backyard. I wasn’t supposed to know them but they looked exactly like a family at church. Then I convince them I need to stay for a little while because I don’t know where I am and I’ve been stranded. We bust open the desk/trunk/chest and find five of my cousins. Then we panic because not all of my cousins are there so we’re trying to figure out if they were all with us earlier or not. It turns out we might be missing one… no one can remember if she was there before or not. So I’m trying to use the phone and it won’t work and then the dad of the family starts talking to me about a women who is on my mission team here. Then I find out that one of the people who was apparently with us was taken by the police but it’s some random kid from camp. Finally the alarm woke me out of all this strangeness. I realize that very few of you care… oh well.

Baptist Women Sunday at church… I am doing nothing! Then I get to go out for lunch with a bunch of the older women at the church and the president of the Baptist Women of Ontario and Quebec! A good day all around!

Adolescence – how did I ever survive?

Lately, I have found myself thinking more and more about the teenage years. It’s probably because many of the girls I work with are hitting the early teens, in experience if not in age. In our neighbourhood, being 12 is like being 14 so most of my girls are just starting to get into all the loveliness of being a teenager. I remember not wanting my parents to know anything about my life… I remember getting into huge fights with my friends, only to make up the next day… it was DRAMA… and now I feel like I’m living through it all over again!

I’m kind of at a loss as to what I should do for these girls. I want them to know that they are loved, that they are special. I want them to know they are worthy of respect and love, to stand up for themselves out of a place of knowing their identity instead of a place of fear and hate… that’s what causes the fights. I want them to learn to respect their parents, their peers and themselves because we’re going to have problems if they don’t. A major roadblock that I’m hitting is that I feel as if the girls are a different person when they’re with me. I could be naive and say that with me they can be their ‘real self’ but if everywhere else they’re forced to be this bully or borderline juvenille deliquent does it really matter? I don’t know what to do. Even if I am seeing their real selves how can I get that self to be what they portray more and more to the world? I’m at a loss…

I feel for all parents of teenagers in the world… but especially in our community. So many of the moms in our neighbourhood didn’t have a stellar upbringing themselves and don’t have the understanding of how to parent teenagers… they want me to help them but I don’t know how to parent teenagers either. I’d like to connect them with some social services that might be able to help but most parents in our neighbourhood are afraid of social services. So, instead, I’m trying to figure out ways to introduce parents to each other – actually creating networks within the community. Seriously, something in this world needs to change… why do we think we have to do everything on our own? That it’s a bad thing to ask for help? Jesus, we really need Your help here… the world is definitely not as You desired it to be!

Coming Home

I have returned, once again, to the lovely city of Hamilton after a weekend visiting my parents in Sarnia. As I drove through the countryside that makes up most of the land between Sarnia and Hamilton I realize that I find beauty in large stretches of farmland. As I drive into Hamilton, however, I am again met by the beauty of the city. It’s difficult for me to bring these two things together but I am finding more and more examples of contradictions in my life. I do not understand them… but I’m starting to wonder if they’re really bad.

I had a good weekend in Sarnia. I stopped at camp on Friday and got to chat a little bit with some people there. My mom and I enjoyed the beautiful weather with a walk at Centennial Park on Saturday and then we watched Harry Potter on tv last night. There was no conflict… I helped mom and dad with some yardwork, got to see both my grandmas and enjoyed some peace and rest.

This morning I spoke at my parents’ church, sharing what I’ve been up to in Hamilton. It went fairly well. I concentrated on where we look for Jesus and told some stories about where He has shown up in my ministry this year. It’s amazing how I can find pictures from the Bible that relate so well to what is happening around me… when I look for them. It’s so easy to not reflect, to not believe Jesus will show up. I’ve been not so good at that lately… I need to get back into journalling like a crazy woman. I have a renewed sense of energy… which is good because it may be a busy week.

I will post more throughout the week… for now I am going back to my Harry Potter book… I brought the sixth one back with me today and I’ve never read it.

Goodbye Sanjaya

I have a collage on my wall in my bedroom at my parents’ house that a friend made me in high school. On the collage there is a quote that says “Have you ever wanted something so bad and then when it came you felt all mixed up about it?”. That about wraps up how I feel about Sanjaya leaving American Idol tonight. Now, I will say that I did not watch the show last night to see him destory another one of my favourite songs but there was a tear in my heart when he was voted off tonight. He had to go and cry… and in that moment one realizes how young he is… how inexperienced and how vulnerable… why’d he have to go and cry?

Taking ‘it’ to Jesus

Dan and I have been talking a lot lately about ‘taking things to Jesus’. I realized today that it’s one of those phrases that has actually began to lose meaning in my life because I use it now without really thinking about it. So, today while I was getting dinner ready and unwinding from work I started thinking about it. What is ‘it’ that I’m taking to Jesus? What does it look like to take it to Him? What do I do with it once I take it to Him? Give it over to Him? What does He do with it?

I had a meeting today with Robin (pastor at church), Dave (team leader of Hamilton IT team) and Ron (from IT… he’s the director of church relations or something like that). It was at the FRWY which made me happy but I chose out of the ice cream float which, while it was a good choice, made me a little sad. I had realized last week sometime that I like to be in control. In my search of the reasons why I like being single, the desire for control is ranked fairly highly. Last night, however, as I was preparing for this meeting I realized that in some areas of my life I am more than happy to abandon myself into the hands of other people and let them plan my life and make my decisions – I wonder if this is because I’m afraid of making decisions. So, I went into this meeting today kind of expecting it to answer some of my questions. Possibly to even give me some direction or for them to tell me what to do in some way. I wonder if that’s my experience of authority throughout my life history. We had an alright meeting but I definitely walked away with more questions than answers. I was still confused and I now have a heck of a lot more things to ‘bring to Jesus’ (see it does actually relate to the beginning of the post).

As I walked back to the church from FRWY I wondered if God was trying to teach me to trust Him. He seems to be putting me in these situations that have the potential to provide answers to my questions but as those situations unfold I find that the answers are actually moving further away.

Part of me wants nothing more than to have someone come into my life and tell me exactly what I’m supposed to do… where I should live, how I should spend my money, whether I should get married, how I should do ministry. Another part of me wants to run to the familiar… to surround myself with things that I know and that make sense to me. A much, much, much, much smaller part of me wants to actively pursue these questions by simply bringing myself to Jesus and abandoning everything. Deep down, actually it’s not even really all that deep, I know that the last answer is best… it’s what Jesus is calling me to… but it’s also the hardest!

I haven’t felt really great lately about working things through with Jesus. Maybe that’s because I’m afraid of what it will mean when I actually do work things through but I’ve been feeling more and more convinced lately that I need to intentionally study scripture for pictures of what is going on in my life. I’m wondering about asking Dan to do a Mark study together this spring/summer but there is a nagging voice in the back of my head that tells me it’s not a good idea because it creates intimacy in our relationship that is possibly not healthy… I don’t know if that’s a voice I should be listening to or not.

So, that’s kind of my day and what I’m thinking about. GirlZone was an amazing blessing today. We made collages on old records that represented ourselves and the girls loved it. Then we played some games that they actually wanted to play. I had prayed about it because I’m pretty tired of fighting with them and God answered with a resounding ‘yes’… I like it when that happens! I must say, in my recent unfaithfulness He has been good… which sometimes just makes me feel guiltier for trying to walk away.

Sanjaya Must Go

I never realized until yesterday how much stalker potential Facebook has. Check this out to see what put some of these thoughts into my head. It’s pretty funny.

Now, for the main reason for the post. I was upstairs a couple of minutes ago trying to work on my presentation for church on Sunday and my roommate was playing the song “Waiting on the World to Change”. I used to really enjoy that song… it’s cutesy and has a catchy tune… but all I could think of while I listened was Sanjaya. He sang the song on American Idol a couple of weeks ago… he has officially ruined “Waiting on the World to Change” for me! How much longer will this go on? How many more innocent songs will he be allowed to kill before they vote him off? I’ve stopped watching in protest! That’s all I have to say for now… aren’t you glad to see my time is being so well used!

Some Recent Thoughts about Planning a Wedding

The last two days have been a bundle of scrum-didly-umptious fun! Yesterday my friend Scott came to visit me… I hadn’t seen him in a long time so it was good to catch up. He’s getting married in August… it’s going to be the wedding of the century… I have very high expectations!

Last night was the GirlZone sleepover at the church. We had a pretty good time. There weren’t as many opportunities to just hang out as I would’ve liked – man, I’m having a major sense of deja vu, like I’ve written this down before… creepy – but the girls had a good time. They were really hyper and loved staying up late. That was great except I had a killer head-ache due to this cold I have so I was a little meaner than I normally would’ve been. I have to tell you that I have such a great appreciation for women who led groups that I was involved with in elementary/high school… but I think it’s really worth it for the relationships we get to build with people. Last night I started making a secret book with a couple of the girls, only to realize that I didn’t have any secrets and that being 25 is VERY different than being 12. I resisted the urge to fill the pages with “I love…” like they were doing and coloured some sweet geometrical shapes instead.

Today I went to Ancaster to see my cousin play basketball. It was really nice. She’s gotten really good since I saw her play last year… she can really hustle down the court and control the ball really well. They lost the game but it was pretty close.

As I was eating dinner tonight I was looking through the catalogue for the auction that the Spectator is doing right now. Bidding starts today on thousands of items… it’s really neat. There are tons and tons of wedding stuff… like engagement rings, bridesmaid dresses, wedding gowns, limo service… all starting for like 10% of the retail value… so I’m thinking… if I get married I’m totally going to buy stuff through auction… then I heard my mother’s voice telling me how cheap I am and smiled… my ‘thriftiness’ (as I call it) is a source of great pride for me. Of course, I am not getting married right now (or for a long time, maybe ever) but it was just a thought.

Tonight I plan to do a lot of nothing… I only got about 3 hours of sleep last night but I did have a nap when I got home so I’ll probably go to bed reallly early… like maybe 8:00… wouldn’t that be nice? My life is moving way too fast right now… probably because I feel like I wasn’t at work at all this week so things feel strange. Anyway, I’m rambling so I’m going now.

20 Hours in Sarnia

So in the last 30 hours I have spent more than 6 hours in a car driving to Sarnia and back again, only to actually bank less than 20 hours in the city. I went ‘home’ to make a presentation about the ministry I’m involved in here for a United Church Women’s group at a local church. Now, I love to talk… and I especially love to talk about what I’m doing because it’s what I’m passionate about and what I love. The talk went well… I love it when people come up afterwards and thank you, because I know that God has used what I said to bless them. There was a woman who had grown up in Hamilton and was really moved by what I was doing, excited to see change happening in the city through the little seeds of hope that are being planted.

After my presentation I went to Crabby’s with Barb and Dart. I love hanging out with those two. We talked about all sorts of things under the sun and they challenged me on some of my ideas about communal living that I now need to think through. I have been learning a lot this year that these people from my past hold such a part of who I am, even if I don’t see them as much as I’d like and I am a lot different now than I was in high school, they hold an important part of my life and I need to give credit to that. It’s the same with my family… they hold stock in who I am.

The interesting ‘highlight’ of being ‘home’ was that within 20 minutes of being there I had broken my mom’s washing machine. I brought home my laundry since we don’t have a washing machine here. I put a load in and started the machine… then I came back a couple of minutes later to check on it for some reason and the washing machine was overflowing with water. I open the lid and notice that it’s past the top of the barrel. I grab a towel to clean up some of the mess and think ‘my mother is going to kill me’. Then I hear dripping from downstairs. I run down and the pipes from under the washing machine are dripping. So I’m frantically trying to find things to put under the drips to catch the water and thinking that I should just get in my car and drive back to Hamilton because my mom is going to never let me come near her house again. I called her at work to let her know and she actually took the news rather well. I was impressed. Turns out that the automatic shut off on the machine is gone but you can still use it with a little bit of careful manoeuvering. We had to pull out the washing machine and drier, though, and clean up all the water. It was special!

And now I’m back in Hamilton. I picked up a cold in the last 48 hours which could make tomorrow’s GirlZone sleepover quite interesting! Pray for me!

The Life of an Urban Youth Worker

This week is strange in that because I didn’t go to the church on Monday and I’m heading to Sarnia today to give a presentation tonight I feel like the week is ridiculously short. Yesterday we had our staff meeting at the church, then drop-in where I had an excellent conversation with a woman we have been connecting with recently, then addictions training that was really good, then Running and Reading. I love Tuesdays because they are all about people… I never get anything ‘done’ and I love that!

Today I am heading to Sarnia to make a presentation to a UCW group. I’m talking about life in Hamilton and what God has been doing in our neighbourhood. I’m a little nervous because I don’t feel as prepared as I could be… but God will use it all. I love planning and preparing for these talks because it allows me to see how much I’ve learned and grown this year. As I was planning there were a lot of things that I thought of that aren’t really appropriate to be shared because they wouldn’t interest others but are really important for me to remember and kind of build up as altars to help me remember parts of this year.

I’m troubled by what is happening with some of the girls I work with. They’re all ‘at that age’ where they are struggling with what they look like and what other people think about them. I want them to know that they are beautiful and that they don’t have to be pressured into doing things they don’t want in order for others to love them but I don’t know how to teach them. I keep praying that Jesus will go forward as we continue to journey with them and start building bridges into those parts of their lives… and that He would give me wisdom and counsel. It’s pretty neat working with them though because sometimes the issues they are facing are still ones that have a part in my own life which is really humbling.

I think I’m rambling… possibly it’s because what I want to say is not appropriate for a public space like this so I’m trying too hard to mix things up and it’s feeling empty. I need to get to work on all the preparations for tonight anyway. If you see this today, pray for me. That I would make sense and that people would respond to God’s invitation to get involved.

Happy Easter

I had quite the easter experience yesterday. Dave and Alison invited me over for an easter lunch with a couple of the Karen families that have recently come to Canada from refugee camps in Thailand. It was pretty neat. I got to play Hot Wheels with three little boys who spoke no English… they were loving it! Watching them eat was another great joy… I don’t think the one little boy had ever tasted mashed potatoes but man did he love them! It was a great way to spend the day.

The last couple of days I haven’t been able to get this communal living idea out of my head. I realized how good it would be for me to live in an intentional community. When we were at dinner for Dan’s birthday the other night one of his students made a comment about how powerful it would be for a bunch of people to start moving into the neighbourhood around Wentworth and live alongside the people there (I had been describing how people don’t stay in our community long because people don’t actually want to live there)… that has kept crawling back into my mind over and over again since Saturday. So I think I’m doing more than just wondering now… I have been praying about it for about a week and I’m really excited… I have no idea how it will work itself out (like where the people will come from, or the house for that matter) but I’m praying that it does!

Dan and I had a really good conversation yesterday about ministry… something in it really hit me. I think it might have been the ideas around affirmation and why we’re in ministry but there was also a more subtle reminder of all the ways in which I am still broken. I get so frustrated sometimes because I don’t see automatic and permanent change in myself but I need to remember that I am on a journey. That said, I need to get better at actually dealing with things instead of just ignoring them.

This Wednesday I’m speaking at the UCW group at London Road West church in Sarnia. It’s Barb’s home church and she asked me to share. I’ve been trying to put some things together this morning and it’s going well but I have a headache and am tired of sitting in front of a computer. I do have to say, however, that I have really enjoyed my four day weekend and will have great difficulty returning to work tomorrow! Anyway, my car needs an oil change and a possible brake inspection so I’m off to Canadian Tire for a break!