An Urge to Write

So, I’ve been struck the last couple of weeks with this strange urge to write… it’s always on a Sunday and it always comes out of nowhere. I decided today that I would give in to said urge.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what it means for Jesus to know us. As Christians we’re supposed to have a relationship with Jesus, right? In church I hear a lot (and I talk a lot) about our need to know Jesus… and obviously it’s important that we’re actively reading scripture and engaging in other disciplines to help us get to know Jesus more. What I’m thinking about is a bit different, however…

See, my best and most favourite relationships are bi-directional. Not only am I getting to know the other person but they are also getting to know me. I think that’s what differentiates job interviews from coffee dates. Now, I’ve always had this strange desire to ‘be known’. I remember talking about it with a friend of mine over two years ago… I want to be known and understood and I know that I have a predisposition to look for this in other people. While I believe that God gifts us with community, I also believe that this ‘being known’-ness is supposed to originate in our relationship with God.

One of the barriers I have found in that quest of being known is that there are parts of me that I’d really rather people didn’t know about. See, in most of my relationships with people I have this thing where I don’t really like to talk about things that make me seem like a bad person. I kind of like that people think that I’m mostly together and a generally pleasant person to be around. I don’t really enjoy conversations about all the crappy, gross, sin-related stuff in my life. It’s also true, however, that my closest and most treasured friendships are with people with whom I have pushed past that wall… people who not only hear about my deepest failures but often get to witness them first-hand. I’ve realized that I do a similar thing with God.

See, I have this deep, deep fear of being found unfaithful by God. Over the winter, as I’ve been growing in intimacy in my relationship with God, however, I’m realizing that the amazing thing is that God truly loves me, even when I AM unfaithful.

So, I’ve started telling God things He already knows. I tell him that I’m upset about something or that I know I screwed up in something. I tell him that I want something… not in a ‘give it to me, or else’ kind of way but in a ‘hey, this is on my mind and I need to talk about it’ kind of way. It’s interesting because it definitely surfaces many of the ugly stuff that goes through my head on a day-to-day basis. I’ve let Him know about my new-found tendency to be hyper-critical of all dating relationships in existence. I’ve let Him know about the jealousy I felt this afternoon when one of the kids at church chose to play with another grown-up instead of me. I’ve come to the realization that I am really like a small child in many ways. That’s likely not an entirely good thing… but it does bring to mind the fact that God calls us His children (I’ve grown to be really thankful for that metaphor over the last six months or so). Obviously, God wants us to grow up into mature believers… and I know that He’s doing that work in me… but I do think there is something in this idea of relating to God as vulnerable, un-together, wholly realistic children.

Yep, so that’s what is going through my head at the moment. I have now, hopefully, satisfied the urge to write and will return to regular life as I know it.

A Weekend of Random Holidays

This was a weekend of random, and seemingly insignificant holidays. With Valentine’s Day on Saturday and Family Day yesterday, there was a lot of opportunity to celebrate, even though I didn’t spend either with my valentine or family.

Saturday night our house was invited to the guys’ house for dinner. I didn’t think much about it… in fact, I think I kind of forgot that it was Valentine’s Day. I took one of the kids from church out during the day. We went mini-golfing and then ate at Swiss Chalet. So, I arrived at their home not expecting anything out of the ordinary. How wrong I was. Steve had made Indian food for us and Eric had set the table, put out chocolates and just made the house look nice. We had a delicious dinner together and I ate entirely more candy than was necessary while recovering from a cold. I feel like my appreciation for the evening cannot even be matched by words to express to them how impressed and thankful I was.

Sunday, we had a Congolese family over for dinner. Danielle has been working with them since they came to Canada in August. They have eight children but only three of them came to our house Sunday evening. While we were visiting they invited us to come to their house to try some African food. So, yesterday afternoon we headed over to their home to eat “fofo” and “kasava”. “Fofo” is like a dough that can be made with pretty much any starch. You pull off a part and form it into a small ball (think playing with play-doh). You use it to scoop up stew or sauce. We ate it with fish that had a pretty tasty sauce. At first it was delicious but, of course, once inside of you it begins to expand and then just kind of feels like this large weight in your stomach which was less than enjoyable. “Kasava”, from what I understand, is a root that grows in Africa. You cannot get it in Canada, but you can buy the leaves from the Kasava plant. So that’s what we were eating. They mixed in some peppers, cucumber and onion. It looked kind of like spinach but tasted more like leaves. It was an interesting experience.

Yesterday we were also planning the second annual Family Day Celebration. This year we called it the “Reasons I Love Dalton McGuinty Family Day Potluck” and invited a bunch of people we know over for a delicious meal. It was SO good. I didn’t count but we probably had about 20+ people in our house (likely the most we’ve had so far). It was a good mix of people and I got to see some friends I don’t see nearly enough. I quite enjoyed myself. We also met our neighbour down the street. She is a Christian who we randomly stumbled across when stuffing envelopes for a TrueCity mailing. Esther got in contact with her and we’ve been trying to have her over. Yesterday it finally worked. She seems like a really neat woman and I’m hoping we can get to know her better.

This week is prep for the TrueCity Conference. I have had a cold for a couple of days and so am trying to take good care of myself to be 100% for this weekend. I am MCing this year which will be interesting. I’m a little nervous as to what that might mean but I have a partner so it should work out pretty well. Esther and I are headed to the conference location this morning to help with set-up and meet some people.

Oh, before I forget. For anyone who cares… I’m reading Captivating again. It’s a book by Stasi Eldridge that I really, really dislike… in fact, I dislike it so much that I decided I was likely being unfair to it and I should read it again now that I have some more solidly formed opinions about gender. I am hating it just as much as before. Last night I almost threw the book across the room. I will try to remember to update those who might care about how the reading experience continues. For now, it’s off to work I go.

I question the effectiveness

Today was the School Effectiveness Review at our neighbourhood school. Since it’s Monday, I was lucky enough to get to be at the school while this was happening. Teachers, and some students, have been stressing for weeks about this visit. I walk into school after lunch and am greeted by one of the junior high kids I’m connected to. “I don’t want to go to class” she says. “Why?” I question. “Because we have the creepy ministry people here”. Just as I’m about to say something about the ministry not being creepy she points a group of them out to me. I was speechless. They were creepy! Our school is pretty casual and they’re all dressed to the nines with fancy suits. The only “colours” I saw were grey, black, white and the occasional dash of forest green. They looked totally out of place… and the kids knew it. I question the effectiveness of an effectiveness review that scares children and makes them uncomfortable. I don’t think any of the kids would open up to one of these people in discussion so interviewing them is likely only going to get the results they feel they’re expected to give. Part of me wanted to laugh out loud… the other part of me was sad that “the system” continues to act in unconscious ways to isolate children.

And that’s my rant for today!

God’s Goodness in Many Forms

Thought I’d spend some time this morning composing a new post to update people on the last week or so of life. Birthday fortnight ended well… I received a lot of Chapters gift cards over Christmas and my birthday so last week I purchased five knitting books, some of which have been coming in the mail one by one over the last couple of days. This allowed me to spend Monday afternoon teaching myself how to increase and decrease stitches which means I can make more than just a scarf that goes in a straight line. I also discovered that there is a yarn shop in Ancaster so will be checking that out soon (although I assume the yarn will be tres expensive and outside of my price range).

Danielle, Eric and I spent the weekend at Muskoka Woods Sports Resort with 11 of our junior high-ers. It was cold and we didn’t sleep a lot but I actually really enjoyed the time there. Most of the girls that we took are kids that have been around for 2-3 years now so I know I can trust them and they’re starting to mature into semi-responsible young women (who would’ve thought?). The speaker didn’t totally relate with our kids but gave a good jumping off spot to have some really interesting conversations about what it means to follow Jesus. Some of the kids that I assume aren’t really interested had some surprising answers… God is doing some good stuff. The kids also love singing and dancing during worship. They head right up to the front to form some sort of crazy mosh pit. It’s always the highlight of their weekend.

January feels like a ridiculously busy month. This weekend we are away again for a leadership retreat with our church. The church is starting this leadership development program that involves coursework, assignments and regular mentoring. I’m excited to see what happens… even though I completed the first assignment (which is just a questionnaire about leadership style) and wasn’t totally pleased with how it was laid out. I have high expectations for the program to shape me so we’ll see what happens this weekend.

I’m reading this book right now (have been for about a month now) called Men and Women in the Church. It’s one of those books that is changing my life. I have been really blessed in my interactions with male Christian leadership throughout my life but this book is opening my eyes to some of the things I have picked up through interactions with other men (and women) that are not biblical. There is a lot in the book about how the church teaches women to ‘hold back’ on gifts of leadership because it’s not appropriate for women to be strong and confident. It’s been interesting for me to realize how these ideas about gender have shaped my personality, my identity and my beliefs. I’ve also become super aware lately of when people use gender in conversation… I realized a couple weeks ago that it annoys me suddenly that our society uses the word ‘girly’ to demean and put down men… when did being female become a put down (and when did male become defined as “not like women”?)? There are so many beginnings of questions forming in my mind. I am tempted to just become this mass of anger, offense and bitterness but, thankfully, God offers other options. He’s been teaching me that He may even have a place for me in all of this… and that I need to accept (and use) the gifts of leadership He has given me.

I’m still doing a little thinking about the future… but it takes a really different form than the stressed out thoughts of a couple of weeks ago. I don’t know what God has on deck and He’s continuing to show me things I’m holding onto that I need to turn over to Him.

Oh yeah… last night our ‘community’ met for dinner. Gloria, in all her wisdom, had suggested we take some time after dinner to just hear each other’s stories and then take communion together. It was super powerful. I think I’d forgotten that the people around me are also human and have stories that have shaped them into who they currently are. It was really neat to hear them share about their lives. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so called to the Lord’s Table either… communion just made complete and total sense in that moment. It was a neat experience. I think that’s all. I need to finish cleaning the kitchen.

(Almost) Twenty-Seven

I just put pictures up in my Flickr account of the great birthday party that was held at our house last night. My friend, Rachel, and I have birthdays that are one day apart so this year our friends combined efforts and held one pretty awesome party. Take a look at them… you’ll notice the largest pink party hats I’ve ever seen and the best filled pinata ever made. It was a good time. I felt warm and fuzzy and very loved by the end.

Tuesday’s my ‘real’ birthday. I will be twenty-seven which I feel like is a big year for some reason. I’ve been pretty spoiled on the birthday celebration side of things already. Saturday a few friends took me out to Gate of India for a birthday dinner. What’s left for Tuesday? Other than the fact that I think the mail carrier may be stealing our mail… everything birthday related is coming up roses. Check out the pictures. I’ll post more later.

Standing in my Kitchen

I burnt soup this morning. Danielle started making it before she left for work and I was left in charge of it while it ‘simmered’. Little did we know that simmer is code word for burn terribly. Our whole house, myself included, has this lingering smell of burnt grossness. Hopefully the soup is salvageable. In an attempt to get rid of the horrible odour I am burning two candles and making chocolate chip cookies. I have also been eating a lot of cookie dough!

I spent some time last night with a good friend. He has been a big part of my life since before I even moved to Hamilton but his friendship has become even more meaningful now that we’re both in the same city. When I moved here at first he was my only friend in the city. God’s been good to both of us. We started talking about life and I began my latest lament about life being hard. We talked about my future, including job prospects, going back to school, getting married and moving (that’s quite the gamut). I told him that I was just so tired of things being such a fight all the time. At some point a couple things started to come together. As I slept on them they started to take more shape and by 9:00 a.m. this morning I had shared with the women I live with what I consider to be some significant thinking in my life.

See, I realized that I was tired of having to defend my life to the world. I’ve been really struggling lately to feel like my lifestyle is valid and legitimate. In my attempts to make things easier I have started to make plans about the future that line up pretty closely to the things people expect me to do. I’ve taken God out of the picture, started thinking about how to get a ‘real’ job that would allow me to make a living wage and get the things out of life that the world tells me are important. I realized last night that I had stopped believing that God had big plans for me. At some point it got easier to define my life choices as a ‘phase’ that I was attempting to grow out of, instead of standing up to the world and telling them that I actually believe that this is how God is calling me to live.

As I’ve begun thinking about the future (something that is not inherently bad to do… in fact, it’s likely even good) I’ve forgotten that God is creative. That He’s powerful enough to make new things out of nothing. Where I can’t see pathways from one thing to another, I’ve started to think about how I can build my own paths instead of allowing God to act in power and faithfulness. So I spent some time this morning turning away from the world and reminding myself who God really is. I spent some time reminding myself that He is committed to me, that He has big plans for me, that He’s not finished with me. For the first time in months I feel hope, peace and joy when I think about the future. I don’t know what’s going to happen… but I realized that it’s not up to me to create the future. It’s my job to be who God made me to be… to not hold back.

A Long Time Away

This post marks the end of a two month long saga in the journey that has been getting wireless internet to our new home. We’ve spent countless hours on hold with various customer service agents, purchased a new router and called on more favours from our tech-savvy friends than we will likely ever be able to repay. But, as of about an hour ago, we have internet throughout our entire home… and that is a good thing.

There were more reasons than just no access for the lack of posts over the last month. December was an intense, stressful and very busy month. By the time Christmas came I was quite ready for the welcome break from the hustle and bustle. I think part of the problem was that I got sick the first weekend in December and I just never felt like I caught up again. I took a couple days off work which got me behind and sleeping for three days straight just really messed up my internal order. Things seem to be starting off better in 2009.

I’ll try to give a brief re-cap of the last month. Eric and I went to the Canadian Youth Workers’ Conference in TO. It was four days of speakers, sessions and lack of sleep. I learned a lot from the various sessions and God brought out some interesting things during the worship and the teaching. It’s been a struggle to adapt to sharing a ministry this fall and I think it was good for Eric and I to spend the weekend together away from all the pressures and stresses of everyday life. We also got to stay with our good friend, Jenn, at her sweet apartment… that was very neat.

My beloved friend Timmy (he’ll love that I’m referring to him that way in a semi-public space) moved back to Michigan. I took him half-way and met his mother, whom I love. Since then, all of us have been adjusting to life without him… he spent so much time at our house before he left that I had jokingly started referring to him as ‘the man of the house’. His departure has left me without a walking partner so we’re talking about replacing him with a dog… but we’ll see if that actually happens.

I spent four or five days at my parents’ house over the holidays. It was nice to get away… to spend time with people who hold my history… but I was ready to come back to Hamilton and who I am now. It’s been a good week back. Our house hasn’t been all together much this week but we did spend most of New Year’s Day doing stuff around the house before having dinner together that night. I love my house and the girls that live in it… it’s been good to remember that.

Other random things that happened over the holidays include; bridesmaid dress shopping for Christine’s wedding, witnessing a high-speed police chase, new year-ing with a small group of friends, bowling in this incredibly amazing, retro-fab bowling alley and a great visit with Darda and Brad. That pretty much brings people back up to speed. I’ll try and be better with posts now that we have internet but sometimes I just don’t feel like I have anything that interesting to share. Maybe I’ll just need to get a more interesting life.

Fall is Weird… but I might like it.

Being without internet at home has left these blog posts few and far between.  It doesn’t help that working part-time creates this feeling in me that I actually need to work while I’m at work (novel concept, I know).  I do apologize for those people who enjoy reading my thoughts.  I enjoy posting them too… and have recently begun composing novels in my mind due to the lack of expressive writing I’ve been doing.  That said, there is much to share.

 

We are continuing to love our house.  The main floor is painted and pretty much set up.  We got furniture last week and are working on getting things on the wall.  We’ve had people over pretty regularly which is something we all really enjoy.  We do want there to be a feeling of hospitality and welcome in our home and I hope people are experiencing that.  I don’t think that happens through anything we necessarily do but we’ve been praying a lot that God would make our house a warm and welcoming space for people.  A couple of the neighbourhood kids have come over, and others keep asking when they can come by to see the house.  It’s been fun to have a place where they can come to and we haven’t had any problems with boundaries as of yet. 

 

Perhaps the highlight of my last two weeks has been the treasure I received when we picked up our furniture.  I came home with vegetables to a living room packed full with couches, chairs, lamps and end tables.  Buried in the midst of all of this was a sparkling white bread maker.  Now, I have wanted a bread maker for a very long time… likely since I first tasted the delicious bread my grandmother makes in hers.  I’ve always assumed it is a completely impractical purchase for a single 26-year-old female… but as a gift… well, I was pretty darn excited to see it there.  I’ve been a bread-making-machine ever since (to be fair, I don’t actually do all that much in this machine process). 

 

Other than that things are moving along at a steady pace.  Things got busy this week with our junior high event Monday night and our Halloween drop-in on Friday.  Halloween is an evening that will never cease to stump me.  Why is it suddenly okay for children to go door-to-door to people they don’t know and accept edible products?  Nevertheless, I enjoy it thoroughly!  Again this year the church bought mass amounts of candy to give out and planned some games for the trick-or-treaters to participate in if they so desired.  Our numbers were done… we probably only had about 30 come in to play games… but it looked like a lot less kids were out on the streets in general.

 

This weekend I’ve been in Sarnia visiting my parents.  It was dad’s 60^th birthday on Thursday so last night the whole family went out for dinner and then came back to our place for cake.  There is much excitement amongst the cousins for the family trip to Florida that is happening in March (for those of you who haven’t heard, my entire extended family is traveling to Florida together for 10 days in March).  I will head back to Hamilton tonight after a deliciously home-made meal.  I’ve spent the afternoon sending many emails that I can’t do in Hamilton due to lack of internet (hopefully by the end of the week we’ll be wired). 

 

October/November/December are always strange months for me.  They seem to be times to stop and reflect, although they are also generally fairly busy.  I sometimes experience this sense of my life just being completely unconnected from actual lived experience… kind of like the feeling you get when you have a bad head cold and you just feel really out of it.   I’ve been thinking much more about the future lately than I normally do (which is generally never since I am much more someone who tends to live in the past than the future).  I think I am entering a time of re-assessment where God is asking me to take a look at various things in my life.  That is simultaneously exciting and terrifying.  I will attempt to keep people posted on how that process works itself out.  As part of that, I’ve been trying to figure out new ways to get back into working with kids with intellectual disabilities or behaviour disorders.  I sent off a bunch of emails this afternoon to various agencies in Hamilton that I might be able to connect with.  I think this re-assessment period has to come before I can move on to the next thing in my life (which won’t be for a while… I’m pretty happy in my two-year contract at the church) and I’m pretty sure I want that next stage to involve working with kids with some sort of behaviour challenge.  We’ll see what happens with that. 

 

That’s pretty much the update.  As always, thanks for reading.

 

 

The New House

Well we’ve been living in our house for most of the month but we’re still getting officially moved in. We have heat and hot water now… the first week or so was pretty chilly before that got hooked up… and we should have living room furniture by the end of tomorrow. We’ve painted both the bedrooms, the kitchen, the living room and the prayer room. I finally moved the last box out of other people’s basements last night and, for the first time in 6 months, have everything I own in one place (I guess two if you count the church office).

I really do love our house. It’s coming together really nicely. At first I hated the kitchen but I’m learning to love it more and more… in fact, I think it might become my favourite room in our house. I haven’t fallen down the stairs yet which is pretty surprising since they are crazy steep and they wind at the top. We’re slowly getting things into their proper places which feels good.

Other than that, not much is new. Life’s been busy as usual. Danielle and I went to North Carolina last weekend to visit friends. That is one beautiful state… and our drive through Virginia was amazing. We had a great thanksgiving weekend… complete with turkey dinner which I was sure we would have to sacrifice. It was good to be away and to re-connect with some friends.

Next weekend is my dad’s 60th birthday. I’m going to Sarnia on Saturday morning to spend the weekend with my family to celebrate the wonderfulness of my dad. I’m looking forward to that. Speaking of family things… apparently my entire (and I mean entire) family is going to Florida for 10 days over March Break… grandma, aunts, uncles, cousins, mom, dad, sister… we’re flying out on the friday and we come back the monday of the following week… I’m pretty excited about that.

I promise a better update once we get internet at home. We’ve been holding off on that in hopes of finding the best deal… with luck it should be set up by beginning of November. I’ll try and get pictures of the house for then too.

Learning to Celebrate

I have this friend who celebrates everything. Last Family Day he insisted we have a Family Day party complete with a delicious meal and many rounds of Family Feud. He’s the kind of person that makes everything into an event. I appreciate this about him. There is this desire in me to be the same. I want to buy people ridiculous cards for random ‘holidays’ and make sure little events in people’s lives are noted and celebrated. Two of my roommates just got new jobs. We’ve been saying we’re going to celebrate for two weeks now but trying to get the four of us in one spot for longer than 30 minutes is proving to be difficult. I think that’s my problem. I have this desire to celebrate things but life always seems to get in the way. Something amazing happens that I want to hold up to God and be thankful for, to show Him my joy, but then I remember that I have to go to work, or I have plans with a friend, or I got lost in the details somehow.

I realized all of this during the week because something really good happened this week. On Monday night my roommates went to check out a house two blocks from the church. They loved it. It has two bedrooms that we can share and an extra room that can house guests and serve as a space for prayer. It also, apparently, has a gigantic bathroom (like, bigger than the bedrooms). I have not seen this house but I trust the girls that it is great. We filled out the rental application and called the landlord Tuesday morning. Unlike other times we’ve applied for houses, there was no waiting. By the end of Tuesday evening we knew that we had a house for Ocotber 1^st. We quickly began making ridiculous plans for what to do with the gigantic bathroom (we’re thinking one bright pink wall with my ‘girls just want to have fun’ poster up, a disco ball on the ceiling and a sweet dance floor in the corner). I was excited for the first day… then I realized that October 1^st is Wednesday and we need to move. I hate that this amazing blessing has suddenly become a stressor and I’ve been fighting all week to change my attitude. I know that part of the issue is that I want everything to be perfect. There’s going to be a fair bit of cleaning for us to do when we move in and we are going to paint the entire house. I, of course, want all of this to be done within a week. I know that is ridiculous and unnecessary so I’m trying to remind myself to slow down.

That’s the big news. As of next Wednesday I will have a new address. We’ll likely move slowly. We don’t have to be out of our current house by a certain date so we’ll clean, paint and move over the next couple of weeks. We don’t actually start paying rent until the 15^th because the landlords have some stuff they want to do and they knew we’d have to clean and paint. It may be an interesting couple of weeks. I’m excited to paint, to set up house and make something beautiful out of this place. I’ll take some pictures once we get the keys and put them up so people can see. I’ll even do before and after shots if I remember. For now, I’m going to go start my Saturday.